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Without Blame or Guilt

When I took my first class on Non-Violent Communication with Marshall Rosenberg, I knew I had met an important teacher. With self-deprecating humor, he portrayed the difference between the language most of us grew up speaking (which lays blame on someone else for our feelings) and a "language of the heart," in which we express feelings, needs, and requests. "The goal," Marshall says, "is to create the quality of connection that lets everyone's needs get met."

Social activism and communication
The biggest challenge to my thinking came when I took a weekend workshop in Oakland, California with Marshall called "Non-violent communication for social activists." Having been an activist on peace and environmental issues for several years myself, I knew many people in the room. Where most activists lose their effectiveness, Marshall suggested, is that they do not establish a human connection with the person or people in power, but hold "enemy images" of those people, defining them as opponents or adversaries. Then, instead of making requests, activists typically make demands. The result is more polarization; the demands are refused and the activists become frustrated, cynical, and even more convinced of the wrongness of those in power. How many times I had experienced that frustration! What Marshall taught, and had us practice in role-playing groups, was first to approach the mayor (governor, senator, etc.) as a human being with similar needs and feelings to our own, listen to him or her, and offer whatever empathy we could sincerely express. Once the person felt heard, there was a much greater chance that he or she would listen to the community's needs.

He gave an example of a group of students who were upset that the school principal was unresponsive to their demands such as "Don't tell us how to wear our hair" and "Treat us fairly." He coached them to express clear, specific requests in positive action language. They wrote down 38 actions they wanted the principal to take, including "We'd like you to agree to black student representation on decisions made about dress code" and "We'd like you to refer to us as 'black students' instead of 'you people'." The students met with the principal the next day, and called Marshall to say that he had agreed to all 38 requests!

I had frequently perceived those who were involved in spiritual practices as being politically disconnected and uninvolved. And, it often seemed to me that many political activists were angrily judging and wanting to punish those they held responsible for the wrongs in the world. Finally, here was a way to reconcile political activism with the spiritual truth that there are really no enemies—just people doing the best they can.

Compassionate conversations
Applying this compassionate style of communication in my personal life is definitely challenging, even after having studied it and taught it to others. In fact, I frequently find myself practicing it after I've already shot off my mouth in anger, as a way to repair the damage. Here is a recent example:

Me (a few minutes after an angry outburst, seeking to re-connect with empathy): When I got angry and criticized you for that needless trip to Warren Wilson College, were you frustrated, because you needed more peace around using the car?

Friend: Yes! I really felt like leaving when you got all upset, even after I'd made it clear I wasn't sure whether that lecture was tonight or not.

Me: Please help me out, I want to express my needs without blaming you, and I don't want to just stuff my feelings.

Friend (after mulling it over): You could say, "I feel tension and concern about wasting time and gas, and I feel like yelling at you, but I won't."

Me: How about, "I'm feeling uncomfortable with the unnecessary use of gas, because I need to walk my talk about conservation; and, I don't want to guilt trip you about it."

Friend: Well, let's remember nothing in the universe is really wasted. This gave us an opportunity to explore having an argument.

Me: I sure got in touch with my anger, impatience, and self-righteousness! Yuk! Thanks for being willing to talk this out.

Being the change we wish to see
Recently, I've been excited about opportunities to bring "Kind Communication" to two groups I've been working with: the Department of Peace Initiative, and the Kindness Campaign. If we are going to have peace in the world, I believe it needs to start in our neighborhoods, with our own families and closest relationships. Dennis Kucinich, who first introduced the idea of a Department of Peace, envisions it not just as a cabinet-level department, but as a focus at all levels, including conflict resolution and mediation in our communities.

Becoming My Own Best Friend

Ho'oponopono Ripples
New article by Cathy Holt, from Spirit In the Smokies magazine

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